Jack of all trades, master of noneMay 3, 2017
I’ve never felt a need for summing up a year that is slowly coming to an end. Somehow it was always enough for me to know that I experienced something new during the year. And of course there has been a time when I basically watched the year go by without any significant happening. I have never defined my year goals because the goals kept emerging and defining themselves along the road, without so popular SMART model. It all felt like a flow… It still does. With some exceptions from now and then.
But from time to time comes a year that changes you so immensely that you don’t see the world around you with the same eyes. A year after which you cannot go back but you still do not see a way that lies ahead. That kind of year was 2016 for me… A year of great losses and last goodbyes, totally surreal and painstakingly real at the same time. First months od 2016 were all about finding new ways and doing some inner archaeology. Probably I was learning to lean on my inner voice instead of other people’s advices. I was fine tunning my inner GPS.
And then came March. I have always felt that month of March is actually a month of summing up the gains and losses, with some taste of things to come in the air. I can’t think of one good thing that March has brought me, it was always full of sudden happenings, table turning, filled with incredibly heavy energy… It has always been kind of a month of new beginnings. For ancient Romans and me. But somehow it got lost in translation that all new beginnings require death of the old.
So in March 2016 I have learned that a man can have a strength of a mountain and tranqulity of a saint in moment when such thing seems utterly impossible. I have been with my father while he was passing away, suddenly and totally unexpectedly. So I have learned how it felt to be in the same room with Death and be horrified, aware and mindful at the same time. We are trained to behave every day as if Death didn’t exist, we are trained to turn a blind eye. And then, when Death comes (and she always comes because Life cannot exist without Death) we are left paralised, shocked and confused. And I saw how people felt uncomfortable talking about dying, how they wanted to skip on a brighter topic or they felt that they fell as victims of bad luck and unfair destiny. But the truth is-death could be the most valuable lesson you could get if you only let it. But it is not that easy and it’s not only…
As the year went by, I have said my last goodbyes to a quite few dear people around me. Sometimes I felt it was too much to bare and sometimes it felt just like a natural flow of Life and Death. Now I am quite certain that we live in times that are so intensive and so full of contrast that a large number of people, on some level, make decisions to leave because they can’t cope anymore. They are tired. They don’t believe in Light and Good anymore. They can’t find any reason to hang on here anymore. The world seems completely lost and upside-down to them.
Along the way I have learned that Grief had many faces, nuances and layers and it was not what I expected at all. Sometimes it makes you feel numb, other times it makes you feel so sad that you can’t speak. There comes the time when you see the grief inside you in color: sometimes it is heavy and grey and sometimes it is light and airy, just like some distant memory.
The most valuable lesson was to listen to myself-I had failed in some things… Things I thought I should be doing because it is expected and natural. But it wasn’t. At least not for me. Not now. I’ve learned to respect my own feelings, to nurture myself. If I wanted to be a support for others, I needed to be a good support for myself first. And that is not called selfish behaviour but self-love. I have learned that peace and quiet soothe my soul, that I do not have capacity to listen other people’s every day petty worries and made up catastrophes. That the world won’t stop if I exclude myself from the happenings around me. Not for ever but for now.
Also I had that one big insight that the help is ALWAYS at your hand. You only have to reach out. There comes „only“ again… I do not have to do it all by myself but I have to learn to say outloud what I need.
One more thing I learned-I am the one who paints experiences with certain colors. I am the one who lets other people and events to bend me, twist me and spill me out. Not this time, not destiny, not karma or other people. Just me. I have the power, I make the rules. And why on Earth would I continue to make the rules against me?! A million dollar question. Seems so simple but it’s not.
The best thing-I have discovered real joy in dancing. I have discovered that the best place I could meet my joys and sorrows is on the dance floor of intuitive dance. Of course, Universe has sent me some wonderful people so we could be a good circle of support to one another. I have re-discovered my gratitude for everything that I am, that I know and that I can.
So I’m stepping lightly into this new year, with my suitcase full of memories. Some good, some bad.
From the bottom of my heart I wish you new beginnings- to leave behind all that you don’t need anymore, to make some space for new experiences, people and lessons. To make this year a place for your growth: emotionally, mentally as well as spiritually.